Hey so I thought I'd give a little explaination for why I've been MIA the past few weeks and also a little bit of some thoughts I've had and what God has been showing me. First, a little disclaimer...I can't read more than a sentence or two right now and my thoughts kinda swirl around in my head so um we'll see how this turns out since I'm kinda typing blind... and thinking blind? haha yeah... :~) Oh, nad if i seems weird that I can't read but can write this, keep in mind I've been working on this for over a week (and by not reading its more like I can't visually "grab" the words and if I do its lik reading a foreign language, I have no comprehension).
Most of you probaly know but in case ya don't here's what's been up. My health crashed three years ago and after a few months I was diagnosed with Lyme disease, two coinfections- Bartonella and Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, strep in my blood and a liver disease (rare, if you get it you're an old man haha apparently I'm an old man...or just weird). Anyways, I've been getting treated for over two years and have come a long way, from knowing I would die if not treated to being able to go to college. I am more than thankful for God's abundant grace and faithfulness and blessing with and in the midst of my circumstances. My liver results are normal and hopefully I am only about a year from being cured from my Lyme/coinfections/strep.
Anyway we think my Rocky Mountain flared and that's why I've been feeling so bad and missed the end of the semester and can't read or remember things. But my doctor isn't really sure what's up ( I think I should go on House, ha). Anyway we think my Rocky Mountain flared and...haha jk my short term memory isn't that bad.
Thank you to everyone who has been so encouraging, supportive, and praying for me. I am so thankful for my family, friends, church family, my hall and brother hall and all my friends at LU. Thank you all for being a blessing in my life.
Ok, so here's my favorite part...some of what God has been teaching me throughout all this.
1. He is not tame, but He is good- I love how C.S. Lewis describes Aslan, his allegorical representation of Christ. As followers of Christ we are not promised easy lives, in fact Scripture talks a lot about suffering and trials as a result of our faith. However, we have omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent God on our side. Jesus promises to always be with us (Matt. 28:20 b) and we are promised that God will redeem our circumstances for good (Rom 8:28).
Romans 5:3-5 Promises joy and hope in suffering, not just in suffering but as aresult of suffering. What an outrageous concept that instead of hope waning in the duration of suffering it is renewed as a result of our hope in Christ. God allows things to happen to us, He is not predictable and we cannot control Him, otherwise He could not be God. But He is good and in the end that is all that matter. I love life but the reality is life can suck at times (yeah not a term I use all the time but feel it fits here) but God is good. So as long as He is in control of our lives their can be joy in the midst of pain and hardship. In Christ our circumstanced do not define us, our identity is in Him, they provide us with opportunity to be used by Him and to bring Him glory. Which brings me to number 2...
2. God always has us right where we need to be to be most effectively used by Him, if we let Him.- This is something I've been feeling like I've been getting an additional crash course in recently, especially with missing the end of the semester and next semester, although I intend to be back, it not being garunteed that I'll be able to go back to Liberty (apparently reading is necessary for college, who knew?). This past spring and summer my fear was I wouldn't be able to go to school in the fall, my bigger fear being I'd go but not be able to go back second semester. But through sitting in the back of my doctors office for hours at a time twice a week for over a year getting IV infusions and then at Liberty this past semester and even back at home this past month God, in His endless faithfuless, has been teaching me. He has been reminding me that He has the big picture, the eternal picture and that although is definitely does not feel like it, this is only a small portion of that timeline of my life in eternity. But He has also been reminding me of how He is intricately involved in the details and that my Lord has a plan for my life; that in my Jesus I have identity and purpose. So in this small part of my life, as well as in every part, not only is God sovereign and has a plan but He also wants to use me in spite of myself and all of my weaknesses and shortcomings (2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says His power is made perfect in my weakness). But I need to be made willing, God doesn't need me to do things for Him; He simply blesses me and all of us with the opportunity of doing so and not only that but He equips us to accomplish what He has for us to do. I love the story and prayer of Jabez found in two short verses 1 Chronicles 4:9-10. Jabez asks God to enlarge his territory, his area of influence and ministry but the very next thing he asks for is God's hand to be with him. Jabez recognized that God would place him where God could and would effectively use him, but Jabez also realized that the things God calls us to are beyond our own ability so we need to call on the Lord to be with us and equip us. And He will, verse 10 ends with "And God granted his request".
God has been showing me that even when I have no idea why certain things are happning, like why I'd crash after feeling and doing so well, that I need to trust that He is placing me where I need to be so that He can receive the most glory. How humbling that God loves us enough to do whatever necessary to make us most effective for Him and to call us to tasks so beyond us that we are forced to be dependent on Him and only He can receive the honor and glory.
I guess I'll end with addressing a question that comes up with stuff like this and that is the question of why. Why isn't something I personally have really asked in the midst of all this. And that has nothing to do with me but everything to do with my Jesus and the grace He has showered upon me. I have earned death, both physical and spiritual. God is holy and perfect, His very character is the total and complete absence of wrongdoing. I have messed up, I sin, I don't always do the right thing therefore I cannot be in the presence of God; the stuff I do wrong makes me unworthy and unable to come before God. But Jesus came to earth as God in the form of man, did nothing wrong, but took upon himself my sins along with everything everyone who had been, was, and would come had and would ever do wrong. And in doing so faced physical and spiritual death to pay the debt I (and we all) earned and owed. Three days later Jesus rose from the dead conquering both death and sin and giving us the opportunity to receive the gift of physical and spiritual life. So I already have been given ridiculously abundant grace in the gift of purpose in this life and eternity with my Jesus after I die. How could I possibly ask for more? Anything in this life that I receive is simply added grace and blessing, including the opportunity to serve my Lord in whatever He allows to come my way. And yes, although I get tired of it at times and would love to be done that definitely includes my being sick.
God is not tame but HE iS GOOD!
